Not Final Fantasy IX: A Parody
by fffan231
Summary: NOTE: Slight revamping done. Here's a short parody that takes place from the beginning of the game, up to the play. I hope it makes you laugh.


Hello.

This is my first fanfiction parody. Final Fantasy IX is my favorite FF, but I thought it would be fun to get some humor out of it. This will just be a short parody, starting at the beginning of the game and ending where the play starts.

None of the jokes in this were meant to be character bashing. Actually, I really like the characters. It's just fun to make parodies, and I had some ideas, so here it is.

Please enjoy, and I hope it makes you laugh.

- - - - - - - - - -

She woke with a start, sweating profusely as she sat in her chair. She looked around to find that she was back in her room.

She slumped back into her chair with a sigh, putting a hand on her forehead. _I'm getting so tired of these dreams_, she thinks as it comes back in her head. The big, scary white rabbit came into her head and laughed at her. She shuddered. She kept dreaming about evil white rabbits that tried to eat her face off… She was afraid of white rabbits.

Deciding that they were just in her dream and couldn't get her, she stands up, intent on going over to her window. But as she does, her dress catches on the side of the chair, and a loud rip is heard as she falls to the floor. She quickly gets back up and brushes herself off, muttering something under her breath about it being the _scary_ rabbit's fault.

Throwing her hair back like a stuck up snot, she storms over to her window and looks out. As she observes the town lying below, her eyes catch sight of a white bird. It flies closer to her window.

"Oooooohh! A bird!" she squeals. Birdies weren't evil, and she liked them. It flew past her window, flying above her head. In the process it dropped a little surprise that landed right onto her face.

"AAAHHHH!!!" she screamed, her hands immediately flying up to her face to try wiping the bird crap off. But as she does, she moves around too much and too quickly, leans forward to far and falls out her window, screaming like a banshee at the fall and at the crap on her face.

She falls the few stories down, and guesses that she'll be crushed on impact. But instead, she lands in something that makes a big, squish noise.

Nice place to put a pile of manure.

She gets up, standing in the smelly pile. She forgot about the bird carp on her face now that she was covered in cow manure. She screams angrily, exclaiming that her dress is ruined and this disgraces her incomparable, unparalleled, unsurpassed and snotty beauty. She takes a step forward and ends up falling off the pile and down to the street. With a huff, she stands up, gathering her compost caked dress in her arms and walks back to the castle, smelling like she had been… well… in a pile of manure.

- - - - -

"OOOOWWW!!!!"

Again, Zidane slams his tail in the door as he walks in the dark room. He curses under his breath and walks forward, angrily stomping his feet. Then he realizes that it's too dark to see. He'll have to light the candle on the table.

So he gets a match out of his pocket and realizes that he has nothing to strike it on. He shrugs and lights it on his pants. Unfortunately, he doesn't move the flame far away enough from his leg, and his pants catch on fire.

"OH, CRAP!!!" he screams, running around like an idiot. This, of course, just fans the flame and spreads down his leg.

Just then, he hears a voice over his own screaming. "Who's there!?"

"MY PANTS ARE ON FIRE!!!" he screams, continuing to run around as if it will put the flame out. The voice is silent for a moment before saying, "I don't know anyone by that name…"

"HELP!" Zidane screams, the flames spreading to the other leg and burning his pants to ashes. Finally, the one with the voice seems to get the idea, and the door bursts open. Blank, Cinna and Marcus all sprint inside with buckets of water in their hands. Without missing a beat, they hurl the water onto Zidane.

So now, he's completely soaked, the fire is out, and his pants are gone. He looks up at the others, who are staring back at him with variations of stupid looks as if they weren't sure if the water worked.

"Thanks," Zidane says, spitting water out of his mouth. The others decide that it worked, so they drop the buckets. Zidane eyes the pails and says, "Wait a minute… Where did you get those buckets of water?"

The other three look at each other, dumfounded. They look back at him, and Blank says, "You were on fire."

"Yeah," Zidane says, "But you didn't know I was on fire until like, two seconds-"

"RRRRAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!"

They all turn in time to see Baku leap out of the door on the other side of the room with a water gun as big as his body in his hands.

"LOOK OUT!" he shouts. The others scream their heads off and run around the room like beheaded chickens.

Baku starts fire at them, soaking them all to the bone. They continue to scream as if they're being soaked with acid rather than water.

As Baku laughs insanely, Blank pauses long enough to reach down, pick up a bucket and hurl it at Baku's head. It hits Baku squarely in the face, knocking the large man right onto his butt, which shakes the entire ship. He scratches below his eyes where the bucket had bashed him, then gets right onto his feet as if it was nothing. His head's a little too hollow to feel anything.

He looks at the others, who by now have stopped running around and were now staring at him like deer caught in headlights. He ignores the looks and walks over to another door, saying, "Ok, time for the meeting!" Since he is now unarmed, they all drop their ridiculous expressions and follow him inside.

- - - - -

_Twenty three times… a new record…_ Vivi thinks as he gets back onto his feet after being pushed to the ground _again._ He didn't know about Alexandria's little tradition, 'Smack the Black Mage' that they did every year when there was a play going on. Starting a week before the play, if someone saw a Black Mage, they had to slap him to the ground, and it only took one slap for Vivi because he was so small. And he had been here all week, so he had been smacked every day. As far as he knew, he was the only Black Mage in Alexandria, so he had been knocked down more times than he could count.

Well, maybe not, since he _was _counting.

He had just gone to the ticket man a few minutes before to show his ticket for the play. First, the man slapped him because of the 'Smack the Black Mage' tradition, then he smacked him again when he found out that his ticket was fake. So Vivi just walked down an alleyway, hoping that no one was there to slap him.

But two seconds later, someone came from behind and slapped his head in which he fell forward in a classic face plant.

After getting up, he found himself face to face with some ugly little rat kid. It stared at him for a minute and said, "Hey! I want you to be my slave!"

Vivi blinked at him. "Why?"

"Oh, sorry! I did that wrong!" the rat kid says. "I meant that I'll let you see the play if you become my slave!"

Vivi thinks about it. "What would I have to do?"

"Help me sneak into the palace and be my personal slapping dummy!"

"Uh…" Did he want to see the play _that_ badly?

No, not really.

"Ok."

…

Stupid Black Mage…

So, after getting a ladder, Vivi and the rat kid climbed onto the roofs of the houses and started crossing little makeshift bridges. Vivi didn't want to cross the first one, but the rat kid assured him it was safe and he wouldn't fall. So Vivi crossed it and made it safely to the other side.

But the rat kid turned around, swinging the ladder that he held high above his head, and it smack Vivi right in the face. It hit him hard enough to send him rolling down the roof, where he fell down onto the street and into…

The middle of a gathered group…? What were they doing?

As soon as Vivi hit the ground, the circle of people stared down at him. As he got to his feet, one of them pointed at him with hysterical glee and screamed, "BLACK MAGE!!!"

Another screamed, "MOSHPIT!!!"

And before Vivi knew it, he was getting slapped back and forth by a bunch of people.

The rat kid shook his head as he watched from his perch the roof. "Black Mages are so stupid. Why did he fall off the roof?"

- - - - -

"GGAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Baku screamed, fingers tangled in his own hair that he was ready to pull out. He glared at Zidane with venom in his eyes.

"YOU ARE GOING TO KIDNAP PRINCESS GARNET!!! _NOT_ QUEEN BRAHNE!!!"

"Oh," Zidane said, face vacated of all intelligence. "But you said we were after Queen Brahne."

"NO I DIDN'T!"

"Yes you did!"

"NO I DIDN'T"

"YES YOU DID!"

"NO I-"

"HEY!"

They stop abruptly and look at Blank. He's reading a piece of paper in his hand.

"Guys, the script says we were supposed to be past this part."

Everyone blinks, and then simultaneously pulls out their scripts from various pockets and purses.

Purses….?

…

After a moment of reading, there was a chorus of, "Oh…" They put the scripts away and look at each other.

…

…

…

"DID NOT!!!"

"DID TOO!!!!"

"DID NOT!!!

"DID TOO!!!"

…

Ok, let's try to find some intelligence.

- - - - -

Never mind… there's not much more intelligence here.

A very large, very ugly woman sits on her chair, staring at the ship in front of her (like I need to mention names. It's OBVIOUS who this is).

She couldn't wait for her favorite play in the world, 'I Want To Be Your Sandwich' to start. There would be so many sandwiches… She drooled as she waited for the curtains to open.

Garnet sat next to her (she's now manure free and wearing a new dress), pouting silently, lips pursed, arms folded and brow creased deeply. She thinks it's a waste of time to be sitting here when she should be showing everyone how beautiful and gorgeous and striking and stunning and dazzling and- geez whatever happened to commas?- snotty she is because those are her best features.

Finally, the curtains opened, and a large man wearing a yellow chicken costume stood on the deck (Hey! They actually made it!). He said a few things about the play, and it started.

Queen Brahne is drooling a river, and Garnet's pouting. She sees a few different animals come into view, like tuna, and turkey, and a pig (meats for sandwiches :P).

But as the next one comes into view, she screeches like a banshee.

A very tall, very WHITE, rabbit.

"WHITE RABBIT!" she screams, pointing like an accusing two year old. She says it so loud that the play stops and everyone in the crowd stares up at her.

But she doesn't notice. All she can think about is that the evil bunny is going to eat her, just like in her dreams.

So, upon deciding that anything is better than getting eaten, she flies forward and throws herself off the balcony, falling five stories before hitting the ground with a grotesque 'splat."

There's a long, pin-dropping silence.

The whole town just saw the princess commit suicide.

Queen Brahne looks down with an unreadable look on her face. Then, she turns around and yells, "Someone get me two really big pieces of bread! NOW!"

- - - - - - - - - -

Ok, I would say that the end was a little… disturbing. Oh well. If it made you laugh, then cool. If you want, please leave a review and let me know if it was funny. Thanks for reading.


End file.
